When asked about my breastfeeding journey, I always feel a bit coy and feel guilty almost because to be honest, it’s been relatively ‘easy.’ I’ve been lucky! I often wonder if it’s because as a Midwife I knew what to expect with breastfeeding? I’d seen the wobbles so many women go through as they learn to breastfeed. I think I was able to pre-empt the common struggles and so when they happened to me, I wasn’t overly shocked. I really hope my story and experiences will help others on their journey.
I had my heart set on it . . .
They say that the decision to breastfeed is actually subconsciously made as a child
They say that the decision to breastfeed is actually subconsciously made as a child. Sure, things may change that will sway your decision, but this to me reinforces the need to educate and normalise breastfeeding for our children and in turn, for future generations. I would say that I consciously made the decision to breastfeed before I even had any babies, when I was a Student Midwife. Learning about breastfeeding and being exposed to it, I fell in love with it. By the time I became pregnant with my own baby, I had my heart absolutely set on it. I never even considered any other way to feed her. I didn’t own a bottle or formula, or even a steriliser. So thankfully for me, it worked out and I am so grateful.
My pregnancies and births didn’t go to plan as such. I was very sick with Hyperemesis both times. I never got that glow that people admire. In fact, I spent most of those months housebound on medication and even in hospital at times. The birth of my first Daughter was an emergency instrumental delivery with a long recovery, both physically and mentally and I can honestly say to this day that breastfeeding saved me mentally. It felt sacred to me; it was something that was just mine and hers, something that we didn’t need anyone intervening with. It was the one aspect of Motherhood that I felt accomplished in. I am certain that it’s the reason that we have the bond that we do today, which may have been compromised after delivery had it not gone to plan.
Giving up was not an option
I was so determined, I kept her skin to skin for the next week and fed her constantly, asleep, awake, sitting, standing.
Sure, we had the blips in the beginning. Due to a difficult labour and delivery, my baby girl was very bruised and jaundiced (for one whole month) and so she lost 10% of her weight by day 3 and so started on the cascade of monitoring and needing intervention.
I was so determined, I kept her skin to skin for the next week and fed her constantly, asleep, awake, sitting, standing. Constantly! No joke, she never left me. This was a week of ups and downs naturally, tears and feelings of defeat. But giving up was never an option. I just wasn’t going to do that. And so I had no choice. Thankfully by day 7, she started to gain and I got a little bit of confidence back.
I started to question everything
I still to this day remember the nipple pain in those first few weeks of breastfeeding, the toe curling, counting to 10, glaring at my Husband and his useless nipples across the room. I questioned my training and my advice as a Midwife as we had always been told that breastfeeding shouldn’t be painful. So I tried everything; ALLLL the positions, I basically bought shares in the company that sells that little purple tube of magic nipple cream and had every healthcare professional who crossed my door (which is a lot considering these are most of my friends) look in her mouth for a tongue tie.
Then, I resorted to nipple shields. Again, something that I’d been trained to advise against for the previous few years as a Midwife which delayed me giving them a go. But you know what – they worked! That’s why they were popular after all. It turned out that there wasn’t a thing ‘wrong, I just had sensitive nipples that weren’t used to being chomped on approx 18 out of 24 hours a day. So I rested them for 2 weeks, took them off one day and never looked back! I fed her for just over 2 more years after that.
Second time round
After an even sicker pregnancy with my second daughter, I was booked for an elective section. That was a difficult decision for me to make, especially as a Midwife with lots of experiences of complications, opinions, and years of training that encouraged the mindset of avoiding a Section at all costs. But it was the right one for me.
Again, I had breastfeeding to fall back on, my one staple, and my little dose of much-needed normality among the uncontrollable intervention.
Again, I had breastfeeding to fall back on, my one staple, and my little dose of much-needed normality among the uncontrollable intervention.
I’d say this was an even smoother breastfeeding journey. Which was lucky, as she was born right at the beginning of lockdown so there really wasn’t any help available even if I did need it. Our only blip this time was silent reflux/colic? (I don’t actually know as no GP or HV would see her as we were right in the thick of Covid at a time when we thought newborns were at particular risk). We fed on through that too and although it was a tough, restless 6 weeks, we came out the other end and I am still feeding her now at 14 months.
The beauty of breastfeeding
I love the handiness of breastfeeding; the ability to leave the house with just yourself and baby
I love the handiness of breastfeeding; the ability to leave the house with just yourself and baby, no equipment, no sterilising and my favourite – that it solves EVERYTHING. It’s my magic wand as a parent, my defuser, my problem solver, my special reconnection at the end of a busy day or a great excuse to take some time out of the hustle and bustle and connect with my baby. I just LOVE it!
I never pumped or timed feeds or anything fancy at all. I just simply fed my babies on demand and my supply was always just enough (never any extra). I went back to work when they were around one year old each, working 13 hour shifts and I have only ever pumped once. My body has amazed me the way it has adapted and even more so, so have my babies. I needn’t have worried.
I think a big part of the success of my breastfeeding journey was knowing what to expect and appreciating just how big a life commitment breastfeeding is. I was realistic about babies sleep habits, I was familiar with the need for cluster feeding and the normality of a breastfed baby favouring their Mummy over any other person for those first few months. And also that if I chose to exclusively breastfeed and my babies decline a bottle, then I am their beck and call for the foreseeable. There would be no nights away or impromptu plans without her. But I am fine with that. This is just a small chapter in mine and their lives and one that I will likely miss.
My top tips
So my top tips for Mummies wishing to breastfeed is to educate and prepare yourself antenatally (and even before). Read some books, watch Youtube videos, join BF groups online and in person so you become familiar with the hiccups commonly experienced. Spend time with other breastfeeding Mummies if you can. This will give you a realistic idea of what it’s like to be a Breastfeeding Mummy and it will also help build that much needed support group.
And what I kindly ask of those of you Mummies who already do breastfeed and have done in the past, breastfeed in public, in friends gardens and grandparent’s houses. Give the Mummy you spy feeding her baby in the café a friendly smile to boost her confidence. Don’t hide away. Because the more breastfeeding is seen, the more ‘normal’ it is. Which is the ultimate way to promote it.
Don’t hide away. Because the more breastfeeding is seen, the more ‘normal’ it is.
I never want my story to come across as bragging and I am always warily conscious of offending my bottlefeeding peers so that makes me less keen to share it. But I also want to reassure Mummies that it’s not always difficult and that for the most part, it’s enjoyable and very rewarding. I am always the first to say that you should breastfeed because you WANT to, not because you feel obliged to. Your mental health should be priority. Please reach out for support if you need it. Thank you for reading!
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