I knew I was going to exclusively breastfeed my twins. Family and friends advised not to put too much pressure on myself, but I had decided and I am determined.
What I hadn’t expected was for my girls to arrive early; and only as they were being whisked off to the NICU did I learn that you cannot breastfeed a premature baby (directly). I asked about donation milk and was told this was not an option. I died a little. I felt like I had failed before I had even begun.
I was unprepared for my babies to be in NICU
During the first couple of days, I wasn’t allowed to see my babies because I was quarantining. I therefore hand-expressed obsessively and sent down syringe after syringe of colostrum with the midwives.
NICU is what your premature baby needs, but it is so far from what is natural. Cuddles and recovery are replaced with machines and medical jargon. It was scary and intimidating. The only thing I felt I could do for my babies was to give them my milk, and by day 6, my girls were exclusively on my breastmilk. Expressing had become my life.
Expressing milk was lonely but it gave me power
Fellow NICU mamas explained to me that they could not express; it was too difficult, triggering, and upsetting, and I completely empathized with them. I felt these things too, especially during the night when I sat alone expressing in my living room.
The sound from the pump in the silence of the night was deafening, and I would sit there haunted by the absence of my babies. I have never felt loneliness like it. But for me personally, it was the opposite of a deterrent. It was my power.
The sound from the pump in the silence of the night was deafening, and I would sit there haunted by the absence of my babies.
Breastfeeding has been gruelling yet beautiful
Once home, breastfeeding was and has been as amazing, gruelling, and beautiful as I expected. In addition to pumping several times a day for twin B to ensure she remains on track weight-wise, I also breastfeed on demand all day and all night. This mama has no restrictions.
Whenever I feel down or exhausted by the intensity of daily life feeding twins and looking after an energetic toddler, I think about what my girls went through in the NICU. Whilst they should have been basking in the warmth of my womb, they had to deal with things that even an adult would find traumatic. Now they are just 6 days short of 6 months on Earth, and I am in awe of everything they are.
Exclusively breastfeeding has been healing for me
The fact that I have been able to exclusively breastfeed my darlings is everything to me. It has played a huge part in healing the emotional ruptures left by our birthing story, by allowing us to have countless hours of pure, unadulterated physical connection.
The fact that I have been able to exclusively breastfeed my darlings is everything to me.
There is no other feeling like it, and I am so grateful for the absolute privilege and honor of being my babies’ food source, comfort, pacifier, and more recently, teething aid.
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