Grieving for the breastfeeding journey I should have had

When I was asked to share my story to inspire and empower others, I thought, “What about my journey could do that?” 

After reflecting, two words jumped out at me, persevere and advocate. One of these I managed, the other, not so much. 

My early breastfeeding journey was overshadowed by clogs in the breast and mastitis. My baby was thriving from being breastfed but I was struggling with the pain, crying almost daily.

Clogs and mastitis during my early breastfeeding journey

Here’s a little breakdown of our first 7 or so months of breastfeeding: (I felt like bullet points are a bit easier to digest!)

• The first latch went well during our golden hour, in our bed, at home (we had the most magical home birth – a story for another day)
• Day 3 – mature milk was flowing, latch was painful
• We worked with an IBCLC – but the focus seemed to be only on the latch, which “looked perfect”. 
• Assessed for oral ties. Cleared. 
• I tried all the positions.
• We kept switching it up to “drain the breasts,” they said
• Clog after clog after clog. Mastitis. Clog, clog, more clogs.
• Pinched nipples.
• Vasospasms.
• More IBCLC visits.
• It’s a mystery?  Shallow latch? Maybe your body has more inflammation?
• Recommendations to help my clogs were before the changes. Feed feed feed. Breast massage. Dangle feed. Sunflower lethicin. Hakka with epsom salt. Apply heat. 
• Guess what? That’s right, more clogs.
• I cried almost daily.
• Bodywork for baby (he loved it)
• Baby was growing well, never unhappy.
• I was anxious, on edge waiting for another clog.
• More pain.
• My husband was beside himself watching this, with no way to help.
• We pushed through.
• Finally after nearly 7 months like this, I was in the clear.
• At around 9 months I developed another clog. This time it eased quickly and I’ve had healthy breasts and it’s been a beautiful journey ever since. 

Grieving for the breastfeeding experience I should have had

Looking back, knowing what I know now

Wow, how our early breastfeeding days could have been different! Less painful, stressful, and more enjoyable. Part of me is still grieving what should have been. I was able to maintain my goal of exclusively breastfeeding, however, it really should have been different, and easier. 

I was able to maintain my goal of exclusively breastfeeding, however, it really should have been different, and easier. 

Breastfeeding, specifically nursing on-demand, from the breast only, for the past 2 years has changed me. It also became very clear that part of my purpose is to advocate for and provide breastfeeding support to others. Something that I felt relatively alone in, aside from my husband, mom, and sister-in-law (I’m beyond thankful for them).

Training to be a Certified Lactation Counselor

Something slapped me in the face.

As I began my Certified Lactation Counselor (CLC) training recently, it dawned on me…I likely had an oversupply. I never pumped. I didn’t want to and since I’ve been privileged to be at home with my baby, direct from the breast is the way for us (don’t get me started on the lack of postpartum support in the US). Perhaps if I had, it would have been diagnosed. Would one more appointment find the cause? Would someone tell me to use laid-back nursing and block feed to cut back my supply? Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll never know. 

The clogs, the pinching, my endless tears. Why this wasn’t discussed or discovered in those early months, I’ll never understand and have to let go of. Just like I’ll have to let go of the longing for what should have been. And I have in many ways. I’m focused on being present for my now outspoken 2-year-old who still nurses on-demand day and night. 

The clogs, the pinching, my endless tears. Why this wasn’t discussed or discovered in those early months, I’ll never understand…

Remember, you are your biggest breastfeeding advocate

This is where I hope to inspire others. 

To keep going, even when it’s hard. I never once thought of giving up. Not once. Everything is temporary. BUT where I’d like to also inspire, is in self-advocacy. You are your biggest advocate, please speak up for yourself! I didn’t keep looking for answers. I put my head down and powered through but I suffered for it. I should have found another lactation professional who looked deeper into my specific situation to help me solve it. There are people out there who will help, you just have to keep looking. 

Putting the past aside…

Here I am nursing a toddler for as long as he wants!  Knowing that I am still providing the best thing possible for my son makes it all worth it. 

P.S. I won’t give up on you if you need support!

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