Breastfeeding goals: Helpful encouragement or a guilt-inducing trap?

For some of us, setting goals and target setting might already be a part of our professional life.  We might even be used to setting goals in our personal lives, and never more so than when a new year comes around.

The goals we make might go something like this – I will get to bed earlier; I will one day have an Instagramable house. Clearly never going to happen by the way!

So how about breastfeeding goals?

Is it useful to set goals for something that can feel so abstract? The difference between a well-supported breastfeeding journey and one that is scuppered before it even starts could after all be very dependent on the circumstances you find yourself in rather than simply your level of determination or how dogged you are.

Is it useful to set goals for something that can feel so abstract?

Even the language around breastfeeding reflects this dichotomy. You may feel you have ‘failed’ if you don’t ‘succeed’ at breastfeeding (how do we even quantify those words anyway?) when perhaps it is actually society that has failed you.

Breastfeeding is a two-way process

Breastfeeding is also a two-way relationship. You may be fully committed to feeding your child to a certain age but ever tried feeding a disenamoured toddler?

The presentation of breastfeeding as a natural and normal way of feeding (while great for the movement that wants to ensure better support for it) could potentially be very damaging for mental health and well-being if it feels anything but natural whenever you try and latch a struggling baby. 

I’m in two minds. I knew I wanted to breastfeed throughout my pregnancy and made sure to research what it would be like and how to get it started before I went into labour. I also made sure I had a breastfeeding experienced friend on call so when I desperately needed support and someone to ask whether something weird my baby was doing was normal behaviour, I had a trusted voice to listen to. Because of this, despite a very challenging start, we made it happen…so goal complete!

At first I had no idea how long we were going to carry on for as I couldn’t fully appreciate what the experience was going to be like. At some point I remember saying to my partner, we’re going to get to two years and then see what happens. 

Unfortunately, at 13 months we hit a massive hitch in that plan when my son suddenly refused to feed for no discernible reason. It was a bit like my milk disgusted him and he physically pushed me away when I tried to offer. My mental health took a dive (undoubtedly partly because of the sudden hormonal shift) but also because my redefined goal suddenly seemed unreachable.

My partner’s reassurances that I’d done a great job to get to this point fell flat and I felt like a failure as I desperately tried to reestablish feeding. Something that had begun to feel so easy and such a vital part of my relationship with my son, suddenly became a source of stress and anxiety overnight.

After a week, the strike passed and we picked up where we had left off, but I can imagine feeling very differently about my entire breastfeeding experience had that been the sudden end.

What about the grief and trauma felt from a breastfeeding journey cut short?

A recent article in Glamour magazine explores the grief associated with not being able to breastfeed or a feeding journey cut short. Professor Amy Brown’s book ‘Why breastfeeding grief and trauma matter’ is also a tangible reminder that many of us may experience distress at not being able to feed in the way we have planned or hoped for.

In many ways, how you feed your child can define your motherhood experience. ‘Failing’ to do this in the way you wanted can be extremely difficult to process and may have a far-reaching impact on mental health.

In many ways, how you feed your child can define your motherhood experience.

No goal is worth loosing yourself over

Louise* told me that her experience of trying to breastfeed her son left her with what she thinks of now as undiagnosed PPD. Born with both tongue and lip ties, he struggled to latch effectively onto her breast or bottle and she believes her obsession with wanting to breastfeed led to spiralling mental health that left her unable to contemplate the idea of a second pregnancy for a number of years.

Having set herself the goal of breastfeeding him for a year, she began a gruelling schedule of expressing milk whilst continuing to try and latch him to her nipple once the tongue ties had been resolved. Louise now believes that an earlier acceptance that her child could thrive without breastfeeding would have helped protect her mental health and made her early experience of motherhood far more positive. She says that ‘no goal is worth losing yourself for’ and is adamant that her own self imposed rhetoric around breastfeeding was unhelpful and even harmful.

Specific breastfeeding goals can provide self-encouragement and focus

However, for others, a goal has not only proved to be helpful in ensuring that a breastfeeding journey gets off to a good start, but has also provided encouragement and focus to continue. Sophie* ended up feeling ambivalent about her first breastfeeding experience after family members persuaded her to stop before she felt ready.

For her second pregnancy, she was determined to feed to at least a year and found this goal useful in helping communicate her aims and intentions to others as well as keeping her going throughout any challenges. Her baby is now 14 months old and she has continued to breastfeed saying that ‘as the mother and child change so too can the breastfeeding goal. I think it’s important to be flexible so you can respond to what is happening in both of your lives.’

Ultimately, goal setting should be flexible

The serene depiction of a breastfeeding mother sat calmly rocking her blissful baby as she breastfeeds peacefully in a Pinterest perfect nursery, is far removed from the reality of most early breastfeeding experiences.

The serene depiction of a breastfeeding mother sat calmly rocking her blissful baby as she breastfeeds peacefully in a Pinterest perfect nursery, is far removed from the reality of most early breastfeeding experiences.

Having an understanding of the realities of breastfeeding and knowing how to deal with initial challenges would be a great first step for anyone contemplating breastfeeding their baby. So too, could be a goal of feeding to a certain age if this would motivate and encourage through any difficult periods as well as providing a sense of accomplishment. However, inflexible breastfeeding goals or one that you feel you could ‘fail’ at could be potentially damaging, risking mental health and a traumatic experience that could impact an overall experience of motherhood.

Essentially and importantly, as Louise so eloquently put it, no feeding goal is worth losing yourself over.