Breastfeeding is often framed as instinctive and biologically normal. And for many families, it is. But that framing can feel deeply at odds with the lived experience when feeding feels stressful, disorganised or emotionally heavy.
In my work as a Paediatric Feeding Specialist & Speech and Language Therapist, I regularly meet families who are doing everything they’ve been told to do. They’ve checked the latch, explored different breastfeeding positions, ruled out reflux. But something still feels off. The feeds are long, fractured or tense. The baby doesn’t seem settled. And the parent is left wondering if they’re missing something important.
There’s No Room to Struggle and That’s the Problem
We ask parents to breastfeed, and then offer them very little time or space to actually establish feeding well. Postnatal support is limited. Discharge happens quickly. Appointments are short and often reactive. The early days are when feeding patterns are forming, but parents are often left navigating this alone.
We ask parents to breastfeed, and then offer them very little time or space to actually establish feeding well.
When things feel difficult, there is rarely a moment to pause and explore what’s making it hard. Instead, parents are encouraged to either keep going or move on. And that pressure to succeed, followed closely by pressure to stop, can leave parents emotionally depleted and confused about what their baby really needs.
Feeding Is Not Just About Milk Intake
Breastfeeding involves a complex sequence of skills that babies are still developing. To feed comfortably and efficiently, a baby needs to coordinate suck, swallow and breathe while remaining calm and regulated. That requires motor control, postural stability and the ability to stay engaged.
I often assess babies who appear to latch well but then display subtle signs of disorganisation. They may be feeding in short bursts and pulling off. They may seem sleepy but wake soon after, unsettled. They may take in excessive air and experience frequent wind or reflux-like symptoms. In these cases, the feeding difficulty is not about technique or motivation. It is about the baby’s ability to manage the demands of the feed.
Gaining Weight Doesn’t Always Mean Feeding Is Going Well
Weight gain is often used as the sole marker of success, but it does not capture how hard a baby is working during feeds. Many babies compensate. They take longer, feed more frequently, or use shallow or inefficient suck patterns that eventually lead to fatigue or discomfort.
Weight gain is often used as the sole marker of success, but it does not capture how hard a baby is working during feeds.
In clinical assessment, I look beyond the weight chart and observe: how the baby initiates the feed and sustains rhythm; whether breathing remains stable and unlaboured; how the baby recovers between swallows; whether muscle tone, jaw movement or body tension are affecting feeding efficiency. Parents often sense when feeding is not right long before it becomes measurable. That insight deserves to be taken seriously.
Fussiness at the Breast Is Often a Misread Signal
When babies cry at the breast, arch away or feed with frustration, it is common to label this as fussiness or a phase. But what I often see is a baby who is struggling to manage the feed. This may be due to discomfort, such as reflux or food sensitivities. It may relate to oral motor immaturity, structural tension from birth or overstimulation in the feeding environment.
These are not behavioural issues. They are signs that the baby is protecting themselves from something that feels difficult to process.
Most Advice Comes Too Quickly and With Too Little Observation
It is not uncommon for families to receive advice based on seconds of observation. Try a new hold. Use breast compressions. Change sides more often. These suggestions can be helpful, but only if they are grounded in what the baby actually needs.
A quality feeding assessment takes time. It means watching a full feed from start to finish. It means noticing the transitions—from latch, to letdown, to winding down—and understanding how the baby is working through each part. It means listening to what the parent is noticing day to day, not just what happens in the room.
Feeding Support Should Never Be Conditional
One of the most disheartening patterns I see is how quickly support drops away when breastfeeding becomes challenging. If things are going well, parents are encouraged. If things get harder, the advice shifts: stop breastfeeding, express instead, switch to formula.
There is nothing wrong with formula feeding. But there is something wrong with offering it as the only solution when breastfeeding becomes complex. For many parents, switching is not a choice. It is the end point of a series of missed opportunities for support.
There is nothing wrong with formula feeding. But there is something wrong with offering it as the only solution when breastfeeding becomes complex.
Policy Shapes Experience
Breastfeeding is often treated as a personal issue, but it is also a structural one. Without protected time, adequate leave, follow-up care and access to skilled feeding professionals, families are left with responsibility but very little resource. The message is often “Breast is best,” but in reality, parents are expected to establish and maintain feeding in systems that are under-resourced and outcome-driven.
We need policies that recognise the complexity of feeding, the emotional labour involved, and the need for timely, skilled and compassionate care.
Feeding Is a Relationship
At its core, feeding is about connection. It is how babies learn that the world is safe, that their needs will be met, that their body is worth listening to. And it is how parents learn to read and respond, to tune in, to adjust.
At its core, feeding is about connection.
When feeding is difficult, that relationship can feel strained. But it can also be supported, protected and rebuilt when parents are given the space to ask questions and the care to explore answers that fit their baby. Because feeding is not just about getting milk in. It is about helping both baby and parent feel safe, connected and understood.
Conclusion
Breastfeeding can be meaningful and nourishing. It can also feel intense, confronting and confusing when things don’t come together easily. If your experience doesn’t match the simplicity of the guidance you’ve been given, you are not alone in that. It’s not always about the latch. And it’s never a failure to ask for more support, more time, or more clarity.
Responsive, sustainable feeding is not built through pressure. It’s built through real care for babies and for the people feeding them.
