When I fell pregnant, after two previous miscarriages (one with twins, where I had even begun lactating and continued after the loss), I was absolutely adamant I wanted to breastfeed my baby.
The pregnancy itself was incredibly tough – with hyperemesis in the first half that kept me housebound, and then crutches, back pain and pelvic girdle pain in the second half. I even began lactating around 21 weeks and wore breast pads every day.
I knew breastfeeding would be part of my healing after the miscarriages and the difficult pregnancy.
An Emergency Delivery
At 38 weeks I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and told I needed an emergency c-section to deliver my baby girl safely. At that point I believed everything was fine with her.
At 38 weeks I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and told I needed an emergency c-section
I had arranged a gentle c-section with the drape lowered, immediate skin-to-skin and support with latching. When Bluebelle was born at 11:30am, they placed her on me as planned, but she wasn’t breathing. After attempts to get her to breathe independently, she was taken away.
A Heartbreaking Separation
An hour later they brought her back in her incubator to try skin-to-skin again, but it didn’t help, and she went to NICU while I went to recovery with dangerously high blood pressure. I wasn’t well enough to visit her.
She went to NICU while I went to recovery with dangerously high blood pressure.
We spent nine heartbreaking hours apart. During that time she was treated for sepsis, covered in tubes and wires, while I lay helpless in recovery.
Starting With a Pump
I began pumping colostrum so it could be fed to her through her tube. I hated every minute. I was heartbroken, separated from my baby, starting breastfeeding with a machine on another ward.
I began pumping colostrum so it could be fed to her through her tube.
That evening, once I finally reached her, I pumped by her incubator, determined to get my milk supply going. But nothing about it felt natural.
Struggles in NICU
As days passed, I sat with her in NICU, using the Ardo hospital grade pump and trying to get her to latch. One day I walked in to find she had been given formula without my consent. It crushed me.
I felt like a failure – my milk delayed, my baby unwell, and me unable to provide enough. We were told she might need weeks of tube feeding if I didn’t want her to have formula. But I wasn’t ready to give up. I needed breastfeeding just as much as she did.
I needed breastfeeding just as much as she did.
Finally Finding Our Way
After six days, with the help of a wonderful midwife who suggested nipple shields, we cracked it. She latched, and she hasn’t stopped since. I really do believe the Ardo nipple shields I used saved my breastfeeding journey.
Now, three months on, she is exclusively breastfed. I love every moment and I am so glad I persisted. I was never against formula, but I needed a chance to make this work when it meant so much to me. Being able to do this for her, after everything, makes it all the more special.
Now, three months on, she is exclusively breastfed. I love every moment and I am so glad I persisted.
