My breastfeeding journey has not been the easiest. In fact, far from it. I knew I wanted to breastfeed since before my daughter was even conceived. I just assumed it was an easy part of motherhood and would come naturally. What I wasn’t expecting was developing a critical illness shortly after giving birth, and being away from my baby.
My pregnancy was wonderful! The first 8 weeks I was floored with sickness and couldn’t see the end in sight but by ten weeks the early sickness was a distant memory and I was again excited for everything to come. I knew at this early stage that I was having a girl, I just had a very strong sense.
My partner and I would talk about the bump and I would always refer to her as she and my partner would always correct me ‘or he’, but I just knew. I even picked her name at this stage. We spoke about names and neither of us could think of a boys name but I was stuck on her name instantly.
My partner is Czech and I’m Scottish so we didn’t want a Czech or Scottish name. We have an organic farm together so due to this we decided we wanted a more earthy, nature-based name and we agreed on Elowen, which means Elm tree.
We have an organic farm together so due to this we decided we wanted a more earthy, nature-based name and we agreed on Elowen, which means Elm tree.
We kept her placenta at birth and will be burying it under an elm tree that we are going to plant come spring. At 16 weeks we had a private scan and it was confirmed we were having a girl and from that moment on bump was referred to as Elowen.
Throughout my pregnancy, I worked on our farm and nourished myself with the organic veg that we grew. I never had any strange cravings and stayed very fit with pregnancy yoga and eating healthily throughout. I never had any complications and I was never at any point anxious about giving birth. I had invested in a hypnobirthing course and was very excited to see what my body could do. My birth plan was to have a natural pool birth with no drugs in a midwife-led unit.
I worked on the farm right up until the day before Elowen arrived. She came 5 days overdue but I was in no hurry to get her out. I knew she would come when she was ready. My first sign of labour was a tiny show at 11:30pm on 17th December. My partner was still at the farm and I called him to ask him to come home as I thought things might be starting.
I decided to take a bath for an hour and called the midwife unit to let them know I may be coming in later that night, they advised me to go to bed as things would most likely take a few hours to progress. Boy were they wrong! My partner arrived about midnight whilst I was in the bath and then we decided to watch a movie in bed. As soon as I lay down I started getting contractions. They didn’t hurt but I was too uncomfortable to lay down so decided to bounce on my ball instead.
My partner started timing my contractions and by 1am I was getting 3 in ten minutes. I still wasn’t in pain by this point so although my contractions were coming thick and fast we didn’t think too much of it as they had just come on and I wasn’t in pain. By 1:30 I decided to go back in the bath.
Things progressed very quickly from there and we called my mother to be on stand-by as she was taking us to the hospital. She arrived by 3am by which point my contractions were 2 minutes apart!
We lived 40 minutes away from the hospital so my mum advised calling an ambulance as she was worried she wouldn’t get us there in time. By the time they got there baby was crowning.
After a big panic that baby was about to be born in the house, I got rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. I managed to get in the pool and required gas and air by this point. As soon as we got there and into the pool I was needing to push.
Sadly I was pushing for too long and at this point a consultant asked to intervene to get her out but my midwife insisted that I could push her out. They got me out of the pool and realised that baby was stuck and I had to get an episiotomy. She came very quickly after this but I also tore, quite severely; a 4th degree tear.
They got me out of the pool and realised that baby was stuck and I had to get an episiotomy.
I was instantly whisked away from my baby and had to get a 3-hour long surgery to fix my tear. Her first feed was a formula feed from my mum. I was delighted to be reunited with Elowen after my surgery and as I put her to my breast she latched first time!
I cried my heart out and it was the most beautiful, indescribable feeling I had ever felt. Everything that had just happened was already a distant memory as I held my baby and she fed from me.
We had a 5 day hospital stay and our breastfeeding journey was off to a wonderful start and she cluster fed from me on demand.
I barely slept those first 5 days and it was totally worth it to have that amazing bond being able to exclusively feed my baby daughter.
I barely slept those first 5 days and it was totally worth it to have that amazing bond being able to exclusively feed my baby daughter.
I had started to feel a little unwell the day I was getting sent home from hospital but since this was my first baby, I had nothing to compare it to and with sleep deprivation and recovering from a big surgery, I just assumed feeling unwell was normal at this stage and we went home with a concoction of medication to take over the following days.
Once home, our breastfeeding journey continued but I gradually became more unwell. After 5 days of being home I decided to go and stay with my mother as I was starting to struggle. I noticed my milk had started depleting the more unwell I became and so my mother started to bottle feed Elowen so I could get a rest. Seeing me rapidly deteriorating my mother called NHS 24. Their advice was to let me sleep, drink plenty of water and to let my mother continue bottle feeding until I started to perk up.
My mother had to call NHS 24 for the next four days as there was no improvement. She had asked that they send an ambulance but was advised that there was no emergency and that an ambulance would take hours, if come at all. They finally made me an appointment at a community hospital which was an hour away.
Upon arriving at the hospital, I immediately collapsed. I was taken to a side room and the nurse checked me over. She did my obs and checked my tear wound and realised I was septic and had a temperature of 40c. I was instantly rushed to the main local hospital in an ambulance where upon arrival they discovered I had severe sepsis.
I was taken straight to intensive care where I was pumped full of antibiotics and I was in very critical state. By this stage the sepsis was quite advanced and had started spreading to my vital organs.
I was immediately taken to theatre where life-saving surgery was performed due to the sepsis having spread to my bowels and kidneys.
I awoke from this surgery with a stoma. I was devastated but knew this had saved my life. The source of infection had been due to my tear wound not having been entirely repaired. The infection had started to set in before I even left the hospital. By the time I was readmitted I was so unwell that had I left it another day I most likely would not be here today.
The infection had started to set in before I even left the hospital. By the time I was readmitted I was so unwell that had I left it another day I most likely would not be here today.
I was unable to see my baby due to being so unwell and although critically ill I began expressing as I wanted to continue breastfeeding. As I lay in bed unable to move and getting pumped full of medication a midwife would visit every day and help me express and ditch my milk. I was determined keep breastfeeding even after severe sepsis.
I went on to have to further surgeries. Gradually as I began to get a little better, my mother would visit daily with Elowen and once strong enough to hold her I was able to bottle feed her. Being apart from her was the hardest part of all of this. Sadly I went on to contract many more infections meaning I was still unable to feed her myself.
I am writing this as I still lay in bed in intensive care having been here for 4 weeks. I have now had three surgeries, awaiting another and have overcome 4 major infections. I currently have pneumonia and a kidney infection and I am having to relearn how to walk due to the trauma on my body causing a neurological issue between my brain and my legs. Despite all of this I have been given the all-clear to feed Elowen myself. To my amazement, she latched straight away after not being on my breast for almost 4 weeks! It was clear she missed me just as much as I had missed her.
Throughout all of this I knew I wanted to continue the beautiful journey of breastfeeding and that moment she latched again after all that time was the most beautiful moment. I will never forget it. We are finally back where we belong, together!
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