“After a number of miscarriages, it was hard for me to trust my body to feed my baby girl”

After a number of miscarriages, I was finally at the 20-week stage of pregnancy when breastfeeding was discussed with my midwife. Like all mums, I wanted to do the best I could for my baby so I really wanted to breastfeed. However, I also knew that sometimes this cannot happen.

Breastfeeding is something my own mum, my friends, and family have struggled with, so I put no pressure on myself. I was just so grateful to be in the position to be discussing it.

At 42 weeks I had an elective C-section

Bridget didn’t want to be born in the nice birthing pool that I had planned, instead I had an elective C-section, as at almost 42 weeks she still wasn’t here and my anxiety was through the roof. I know that C-sections can affect breastfeeding, but so can stress and this seemed like the calmest thing to do for us both.

I know that C-sections can affect breastfeeding, but so can stress and this seemed like the calmest thing to do for us both.

As soon as I could hold my little girl, she went straight onto the boob, latched really well, and had a lovely feed. I felt no pain or discomfort and she really looked like she knew what she was doing!! The midwife showed me how to tell if there was a good latch, and that they will help me for the next day or so. That really helped to reassure me, as did the huge wee and black sloppy poo she did later on!!

Once the adrenaline wore off, things got tough

I was expecting it to be painful or sore but so far so good…until the adrenaline and painkillers wore off! I was exhausted from surgery and from feeding Bridget every 1-2 hours. It is relentless.

My nipples were so sore. I absolutely covered them in Lanolin oil (which I now know can make baby have to work extra hard on latching so I won’t be using this again – good old breast milk does the same job). But she was feeding and that was was the most important thing.

I had to learn to trust my body

I started doing research on breastfeeding to make sure I was doing the best I could as I was finding it exhausting and quite painful in those first few weeks. I stumbled across Boobingit and Mamas Milk on Instagram which had such good, reassuring advice. Both pages made it clear to trust my body and my baby. They know what they are doing.

I had trouble trusting my body after all our losses so I really had to keep reading that part over and over and put the app down where I timed each feed!! My midwife and Health visitor also really helped. They explained that wet nappies, her poo and weight gain were all in line with good feeding. I finally started getting the hang of it. Not every latch was perfect but we were getting good at it.

It wasn’t long before I started overproducing milk

Then my body started overproducing! This was so painful. My boobs would be like rocks between feeds and would leak everywhere, even spraying sometimes! My health visitor told me to just express into a muslin cloth until the pain went, and not to express a lot as this would confuse my body into thinking it needed to produce that much.

My boobs would be like rocks between feeds and would leak everywhere, even spraying sometimes!

Poor Bridget got silent reflux because of it, so I would have to hold her upright for 30 minutes after every feed and give her good burps, which is easier said than done at 3am after 1 hour of sleep. This is when you look over at your husband with his useless man nipples, snoring away and feel a bit naffed off that the feeding is all down to you.

I almost gave up breastfeeding one night

We had many challenges that month. Bridget would get quite gassy and would be so uncomfortable she couldn’t feed, but would be hungry and tired, so I had one emotional baby. One night was so bad I almost gave up breastfeeding.

It was 4am and for 2 hours we had both been trying to comfort her, with gripe water, rocking, burping, trying to feed but nothing was working. I was crying, Bridget was beside herself and Seb (my husband) was trying so hard to help. I yelled at him to go and get formula as I couldn’t carry on. At that moment Bridget started shimmying down my chest whilst I was stood up with her, so I let her go down to the boob and Seb held her bum in place so she didn’t slip out of my arms….and she latched!!! Finally! So I cancelled the formula order and decided to keep going

Feeding in the bath really calmed her

Thankfully it lasted for about a month and then my body settled down. I also found that feeding her in the bath really calmed her and helped settle her tummy, so we didn’t have anymore 4am stand up feeds!!

Bridget’s reflux went, her latches were now perfect so no more sore nipples, and she had started to sleep for 4/5 hour stints so I was finally getting some sleep, which helps so much.

I’m a confident person and wouldn’t care if anyone gave me looks or commented, but sitting in a restaurant with my boob hanging out just didn’t feel comfortable.

Breastfeeding started to become really enjoyable

I became an Ambassador for a local Breastfeeding friendly clothing company, which really helped me feed in public. I’m a confident person and wouldn’t care if anyone gave me looks or commented, but sitting in a restaurant with my boob hanging out just didn’t feel comfortable for me.

Once Bridget started on solids the feeds became less and less. This girl loves her food. So I started to feel less like a milk machine and started to really enjoy breastfeeding and having a normali-ish life with my little miracle.

When Bridget was 8 months, I went back to work

When Bridget reached 8 months old it was time for me to go back to work (I didn’t want to but couldn’t afford not to). I had never pumped milk, and Bridget wouldn’t drink from a bottle so I was petrified. Again Boobingit, Mamas Milk and my health visitor really helped me prepare for what I needed to do.

I started pumping with a hands-free pump (which was a godsend) in the day about 2 weeks before I had to go to work and fed Bridget with a tilted beaker. It was a bit messy but it worked and it was much easier than I thought it would be. I was confident that she would still be getting the milk she needed.

I started pumping with a hands-free pump (which was a godsend) in the day about 2 weeks before I had to go to work and fed Bridget with a tilted beaker.

Bridget adapted really well to the new routine

Once I was back at work I was pumping in the evening and on the way to childcare which seemed to work out well.

I gave her a feed as soon as we got home and then have some dinner. I was so relieved that she was ok. I thought she might miss the comfort in the day but thankfully a comforter did the trick. I think she loves that thing more than me now!

I don’t know when I’ll stop breastfeeding, I’m leaving it in Bridget’s hands really. But I hope it continues for a bit longer.

At 14 months, Bridget now has two feeds

Bridget is now 14 months old and only has a morning feed and a feed before bed. She also sleeps through the night which is amazing. I love giving her these two feeds. It reassures me that she is getting the nutrition from my milk, especially if she’s had a fussy food day, but it’s also the bond we have. We still both look at each other and in the morning we have a few giggles and tickles whilst feeding. It’s the best way to start my day. I feel so lucky to be in this position.

I don’t know when I’ll stop breastfeeding, I’m leaving it in Bridget’s hands really. But I hope it continues for a bit longer.

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