I fell pregnant with my first baby in May 2021. At this point COVID was well and truly ruling our lives (and prenatal appointments). I wasn’t allowed any support except from at the 12 and 20-week scans.
When it came to have my baby, I was sat alone in a room with a consultant who highly suggested an elected c-section. I was a first time mum, alone and 32 weeks pregnant. There were a lot of big scary statistics being thrown around, so I said yes please.
Four days before the planned section I was convinced I was in labour. Once we arrived at the hospital, they did a COVID test on me, and it was positive!! My partner was also tested, and his was positive too! So when it came to having the section he had to stay home and my mum came with me. During my birth a lot happened of things happened which could have been avoided – and it still angers me to this day. However my gorgeous little boy was born via the sunroof, i.e. c-section!
I FaceTimed his dad straight away and it just felt awful. My mum headed home about 10pm and got told she could come back alone the next day to visit. Next morning however, the government decided on some new rules which meant I had no visitors the whole two days I was in hospital. I eventually got sent home at 4pm on a Saturday night.
I tried my hardest to breastfeed, but I couldn’t get his latch right. He was fussy at the breast, and no one would help. I asked for help several times in hospital but the only time I saw anyone was when they delivered my meals.
I tried my hardest to breastfeed, but I couldn’t get his latch right. He was fussy at the breast, and no one would help.
When the community midwife came out she said he’d lost 11% of his birth weight and if he didn’t put on a certain amount he’d be sent to hospital. After the past few days that was the last thing I wanted and my anxiety was through the roof so I thought the best thing would be if he went on to formula. At the time I said it was okay I wasn’t bothered. Fed is best right?
It wasn’t until I fell pregnant with his little brother two years later that I realised I grieved breastfeeding my first-born. I would have given anything to have been able to give him that.
When my second little boy was born last October, I was determined to make breastfeeding work. This time, the difference in breastfeeding support was night and day. In hospital, I had someone beside me hourly, sometimes more, helping with latch, positions and, a lot of “well dones”. I felt like I was smashing it…then we got home.
Not long after being home, we discovered he had lost 9% of his birth weight. I instantly thought we’d be sent back to hospital, but no – the team just said they’d help us work through it.
My son was soon diagnosed with a tongue tie, but he eventually reached his birth weight at just over 3 weeks old.
We also discovered he had silent reflux, CMPA (like his brother) and the poor boy also got RSV at six weeks old. We had weeks of screaming at night which we eventually put down to a potential egg allergy. He got put on omeprazole and then got RSV again. It was a lot. But we fed through all of it and was given so much support.
He has followed the 0.4th percentile since birth and was referred to paediatrics. It wasn’t until he was 5 months I was told “he could just be that he’s small, that’s the way he is.”
Now at 5.5 months he’s beginning to chunk out. He’s got the baby rolls that makes you want to eat him up, but I still get comments saying “oh he’s so small, he’s tiny”. It makes me question if I’m doing something wrong. I know deep down I’m not, but almost five months of healthcare professionals hinting to add formula, plus family and friends saying “maybe give him a bottle,” plays on my mind sometimes. Despite it all, I am proud of what we have overcome. He is thriving and hitting all his milestones, and I know we are both doing amazing.
I still get angry when I think about what I lost out on when my first wee boy was born. Just today, I said to him, “Let’s hurry to the car, your brother is hungry, and you need snacks.” He replied, “Yeah he gets milk from your boobies like I did when I was a baby.” His comment led me to cry in the car. I didn’t see the point in correcting him, but it made me mourn that period of my life.
I know formula didn’t do him any harm, after all, he is thriving and is the smartest, funniest boy. But there’s something about breastfeeding, something that 4-years-ago me would have scoffed at, that makes you feel invincible. It’s like breastfeeding mothers have a superpower (being a mum alone is a superpower, just… different?), and I just wish it hadn’t been taken away from me. I truly believe breastfeeding would have worked out for me if I just had the right support at that time.
I truly believe breastfeeding would have worked out for me if I just had the right support at that time.
It’s my plan now to become a breastfeeding support worker for my area. I am also looking into how I can help support women in their birth journey too, whether that’s becoming a doula or a midwife, I am not sure.
I just know that I want to offer women the love and support they need in the most vulnerable time of their lives, like I missed out on first time round.
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