Nipple twiddling toddlers – help for breastfeeding mothers

Nursing a toddler can be a joyous and wonderful experience and often even feel like a superpower because you have a reliable ‘go to’ way to support them with any big emotions or dysregulation they are experiencing.

It can, however, also herald some trickier behaviours to navigate (such as nipple twiddling) as they become more curious about the world around them, including your body and your reactions. Maybe you hadn’t anticipated breastfeeding beyond babyhood but have found that it’s been working for you and your little one, so you have continued. Maybe you always intended to breastfeed for as long as your little one wanted to, then some new behaviours begin leading to you feeling conflicted because you no longer enjoy the breastfeeding relationship as much as you had been but you don’t want to end your breastfeeding journey just yet either. 

Nipple twiddling when breastfeeding

Nipple twiddling is one such behaviour that may occur whilst your toddler is breastfeeding. If you are reading this whilst currently breastfeeding a younger infant, please don’t worry that this is something that all older nurslings do (Only 1 of my 3 children did). Equally, if you are experiencing this currently with your toddler, please know that you are not alone! 

Over the years, I have supported a number of Mums who have experienced toddler nipple twiddling and reached out for support with this. One common theme is that of intense dislike for this sensation (a feeling I too had experienced with my youngest), mixed with uncertainty at whether it is OK to stop little ones from exploring and twiddling. “Is it OK to say no?”,” Should I just put up with this because they like it?” or even ”I have been told that it’s to help my milk flow/let-down of milk so should therefore allow them to continue?”  

Remember, breastfeeding is a relationship

Breastfeeding is a relationship. As with all relationships, there is often a need to navigate boundaries to ensure that the relationship is positive, enjoyable and working well for both parties. 

The difference between needs and wants 

Initially, when you are breastfeeding a young baby, you will likely be responsive feeding whereby you are noting their needs to feed and responding to these needs by breastfeeding. As they grow and start to learn more about the exciting world around them, they begin to also develop wants. Sometimes they want to do something but they don’t need to. This is usually such a gradual and subtle shift that many new parents don’t recognise it initially.

It is these wants that as parents we have to navigate with our little ones and set boundaries to either keep them safe – you may want to run across the car park but I can’t allow you to because you could get hit by a car; help them learn about interactions with others – you may want the toy the other child has, but they are playing with it at the moment; help them learn that other people/living things have feelings too – you may want to pull the dog’s fur, but this could hurt her so we are going to pat or stroke instead. 

The opportunity to learn about body autonomy 

Nipple twiddling or playing with any part of your body during a feed is a want rather than a need. Toddlers are constantly exploring with their hands and learning so much about the world around them in the process.

The breastfeeding relationship with a toddler or older child can provide some wonderful opportunities to support early learning around body autonomy and consent, helping them to understand that the nipple is part of your body and therefore can impact how you feel. It is common to feel intense feelings of dislike and agitation from nipple twiddling, a feeling that is so strong that some mothers consider stopping breastfeeding.

The breastfeeding relationship with a toddler or older child can provide some wonderful opportunities to support early learning around body autonomy and consent

If your toddler hit you in the face/tried to poke you in the eye/pulled your hair, you would instinctively explain that this hurt you and that you were not going to allow them to do this to you or anyone else. This helps them to recognise that other people also have emotions and feelings in the same way that they do.

Permission to set boundaries for your breastfed toddler

When it comes to nipple twiddling, often Mums are wary of placing a boundary, perhaps because the nipples are a part of our body that we have granted access to for all those months of the breastfeeding journey so far, making it hard to differentiate this as a want rather than the need for breastfeeding that we have become so used to. If you feel negative emotions about your toddler nipple twiddling though, then it is important to explain this and set a boundary for your toddler. Whilst it is true that nipple stimulation can help with the release of oxytocin (the love hormone that is also responsible for stimulating the milk to let down/flow to baby), this is primarily a result of the stimulation from your little one suckling at the breast.

When it comes to nipple twiddling, if your immediate reaction is one of intense dislike and agitation, this is more likely to increase your cortisol levels (the stress hormone) which would have the opposite effect on your oxytocin levels and therefore hinder the let down of milk instead. 

How to put boundaries in place for your breastfeeding toddler

So how can you continue breastfeeding your toddler whilst also putting in place some breastfeeding boundaries that can help stop things like nipple twiddling? Here are some tried and tested methods which can help you establish helpful new behaviours with your breastfed toddler.

• Recognise that your emotions and feelings matter too. If you don’t like something that your little one is doing, it is important to set a boundary but this can be done in a loving and supportive way. For example – taking hold of their hand and explaining that you don’t like what they are doing/ it hurts. Let them know that they can continue to breastfeed but that you would like them to hold you hand or twiddle something else instead.
• Consider props that you can use to allow them to get their need for twiddling out in a way that works for you too. Silicone nursing necklaces can be great for this, or a soft teddy/silky blanket to feel, or your hand and fingers to twiddle and hold instead. 
• Stay consistent and clear in your messaging to help them learn. Choose a phrase to explain why you are not going to let them twiddle and stick to the same message any time they try to twiddle the nipple. 

Ultimately, by placing boundaries and honouring your own emotions about this behaviour, you will likely be prolonging your breastfeeding relationship as it will remain an enjoyable and positive experience for both of you.